Sleep Doesn't Come Easy
by Flying Star
Summary: One-shot (possible sequel) Another restless night has Jeremie conversing with his conscious. Please if you read, review.


Sleep Doesn't Come Easy

By Flying Star

Disclaimer: XANA infected the approval documents, rendering them null and void. In other words, I don't own Code Lyoko

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A late night conversation with his conscious has Jeremie pondering the changes in his life, wondering if he's made the right decisions, and ending with his feelings about a certain someone. Maybe he's not alone.

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In an occupied dorm of Kadic Junior High, a lone body stirred in it's bed. The blond boy flipped over for quite possibly the dozenth time, sapphire eyes already open as he stares at the ceiling.

Turning his head, he tries willing himself back to sleep. But it's a wasted effort, his brain not listening to the protests of his exhausted body.

After a few more moments, he sighs, covers rustling as he throws them off, before removing his glasses from his nightstand.

The blurry digital numbers of his clock become visible.

1:15 am. Only ten minutes from the last time he checked.

He sighs in slight frustration as he slids off his bed, knowing that once again he wouldn't be getting any sleep.

Another restless night....again.

While everyone slept peacefully in their beds. His nights had become ones of constant worry. Worry for his friends, family, _her._

Sleep, such a precious commodity. And yet, on these rare nights, when he actually wanted to, he found that he just couldn't. His mind refusing to let go of the many questions still plaguing him from the day.

What ifs. What if he wasn't fast enough? What if a tower didn't get deactivated in time? What if XANA won?

He hated having unknown variables. Things or factors he couldn't predict.

The odds have been against them from the very beginning, and still somehow they've managed to survive and win, time and time again. It shouldn't of been possible.

To know that only a small handful of _children_ was all that stood between a malicious force bent on their planet's destruction, and an unsuspecting populace. It scared him more than he cared to admit, especially to his friends. It was a wonder he was still sane.

It was that same worry though, that kept him up and pacing around his room like a caged tiger. Occasionally his eyes would land on his computer. Inside lay secrets, secrets of a place that was both a blessing and a curse. Another world occupied by an angel and a devil.

He stops, pulling up the computer chair and sitting down, tracing his fingers along the surface of his desk, before turning on a small lamp. Normally he'd call _her_ up and strike up a conversation to pass the time until sunrise. But for once he didn't really feel like talking.

' Odd would be shocked.' he thought, smirking as he pictured his hyperactive friend's expression. ' Probably say I was possessed by XANA or something.' The smirk quickly melts away, replaced by a frown.

So much has changed since that day, the day when he first found _her._ A being that shouldn't of existed, but did. In a world that also shouldn't of been real. When he first laid eyes on her, he found he couldn't look away, it was as if destiny was calling him. He answered her call, his friends, Yumi, Odd, and Ulrich, not hesitating to help. Fighting to save the world...fighting to save her. But.....

There was always the fear lingering in the back of his mind. The fear of failing them all, of not doing enough. How much longer before someone died, a casualty of this improbable war?

_' Probably sooner than you think.'_

He's really more annoyed than surprised at the voice. A harsh, condenscending tone that could only be his conscious. He's been hearing it a lot more lately, on these sleepless nights.

" I'm not saying someone will die." He answers back quietly, almost knowing what the answer will be. Even the conversations were becoming predictable.

_' Sure, just keep telling yourself that. And while you're at it, I have some land to sell you cheap. Face it, Jeremie. You can't keep them alive forever.'_

" I have so far, that's all that matters." Jeremie glances up at the blank computer screen, noting the dark circles under his eyes, the exhaustion lines creasing around the corners.

_' You're fooling yourself if you believe that. Look at yourself, you can't even get a decent night's sleep anymore. How can you keep them safe, if you can barely function? You're playing with fire, how long before you get burned?'_

This was definitely new. Normally his conscious wasn't so persistant. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. " I admit that some days are worse than others. But we've done so much."

_' Really? And yet no one knows just how many times they've come close to death. You, yourself, have nearly died many times. Your friends have nearly died. You should just end it now, pull the plug, end the nightmare once and for all.'_

" Never, I would never do...."

_' It's because of **her. **' His subconscious voice now picking a sarcastic tone. ' Because you can't bear destroying something, that isn't even real to begin wi...'_

" No!" His fist strikes the desk before he even realizes it. His voice echoing in the still of the night. " Aelita is real, I know she is! Computer programs don't laugh, they don't worry about your day or your safety. They don't," He hesitates." love. But she does, in some ways she's more than human, and I refuse to kill her in cold blood!" He almost yells, then realizes how loud he was, heck he's amazed Jim didn't bust down his door at that very moment.

A small chuckle. _' My my, aren't we a bit riled up. Tell me, Jeremie. Do you really think you can handle the stress? The constant attacks, the worry about your friends safety, about her safety? Don't you ever have times where you feel it's too much?'_

Jeremie slumps in the chair, his head bowed in defeat. "I guess I do sometimes. And yes, there have been a few times when I almost wanted to let someone like Yumi or Ulrich pick up the reins."

_' BUT, you haven't. You still stay in the front lines. Sending your friends into a hostile world where their next step could be their last.'_

" They know the risks."

_' Hmph! You sound as if they have a choice. As if you have a choice.'_

" There's always a choice. I won't send them if things become too dangerous."

_' I'd almost believe you, if I didn't know you so well. But I know that if she's in danger, you won't hesitate to send them in. Why don't you let the **adults **handle it?' Again the biting sarcasm laces the voice._

" Because I know what they'll do. They'll destroy Lyoko, which will destroy Aelita. Or they'll download her and poke and prod at every inch of her code." His voice is now tight with unrepressed anger. " They'll treat her like a computer anomaly, rather than a living being."

_' And so you soldier on. A general with a few subordinates under his command. Still fighting against impossible odds.'_

"Oh, shut up."

_' Why? You know it's true. You chose this path once you first met her. When you first touched that keyboard to the supercalculator. You really won't turn your back on it all, will you?' _ _His subconscious sounds almost pleading._

" Like you said, I chose this path, and I'll continue to follow it, until either XANA's destroyed or I am."

_' You're not very good at lying, Jeremie. Now tell me your **real** reason for why you still fight, for why you don't just pack up and leave the rest to your friends to continue the fight? Come on, admit it.'_

" Admit what?" He could feel the blush creeping onto his cheeks, thankful that no one else was physically in the room to notice.

_His conscious sighs. ' You know who, her, Aelita. The center of all this. Just come out and admit it, you're the only one in the room after all.'_

The blush deepens. " I....I, " he hesitates. Just how deep did his feelings really run? True, he cared for her, of that he was certain. He even liked her, but did he really....

_' WELL?!'_

" Okay, okay, I admit it, I love her! " He almost yells the proclaimation, not caring just who heard. " There, you happy now!" He's surprised to find himself shaking, whether it's from anger or exhaustion, he's not sure.

_' Quite. Bet you're glad you got that off your chest.' The voice almost seems to smirk. _

Jeremie glares at his reflection in the computer screen, then blinks in suprise. Actually he _did_ feel a bit better. Like a small weight had been lifted off his shoulders. His confession melting away a little of the fear and stress plaguing him, a small smile appearing on his face.

_' **But**, don't forget that you're still fighting a losing battle, Jeremie. XANA's growing more powerful by the day, and you know it.' The voice interjects, spoiling his good mood._

The smile is gone. It just had to remind him. The words bringing him crashing back down to reality, about the threat that wouldn't go away. " Sheesh, just whose side are you on? Okay, though I hate saying it, I do have some doubts. Have I really made the right choices?" He finishes quietly.

_' Maybe, maybe not.'_

Jeremie frowned. "Gee, you're rather helpful."

_' Hey, you're the one who's up late talking to yourself.'_

He shakes his head. " I call it a creative conversation, not many people to talk to about this kind of thing."

_' What about her?'_

" I...I can't."

_' You can't or you won't?'_

Jeremie's conscious falls silent as he becomes aware of the lightening sky of the early morning dawn.

He stands, then pauses as something catches his eye, his gaze flicking to the web camera. For a moment it looked like the power light had been on, but no, the red indicator light is dark.

He turns away, feeling the first rays of sunlight hitting on his back as he walks to his door. He'd have to discuss his fears with his friends, eventually, but not today, not yet.

He knew he was delaying the inevitable, that the time might come when XANA could very well become too much for them to handle. Though he wasn't admitting defeat, just being realistic. Heck, he might even be the first to die by XANA's hand, but... He smirked humorlessly. Death doesn't scare him, it happens to everyone, eventually. Some earlier or later than others. It was plain fact. _But_, what he's really afraid of is more intangible.

It's the thought of being alone, without friends, without family, without _her_. Now that he had them, he couldn't just abandon them to the clutches of XANA. And so he would fight so that they would live, even if he died.

He also knew his conscious was right on another matter. Aelita was a big reason for why he couldn't let Lyoko go, not until she was free from XANA's grip. And if it took him a year, or the rest of his life, he would continue to fight until she was by his side, or again die trying.

But, at the same time, he also knew that one day he might have to do the unthinkable, at least to him. And if it came to that.......

The door closes as he leaves his room. Perhaps if he had stayed just a bit longer, he might of seen that the power light of his webcam is indeed on, a pair of eyes watching in silent contemplation.

The End.....

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.....or is it?Sorry, had to throw that in. I don't know if I'd call this angsty, more like semi-angsty with a little happy revelation, before going back to the dark thoughts. Jeremie admitting his love for Aelita, but in the end he's still plagued with 'what ifs'. This is a one-shot, but I am toying with an idea for a sequel. Well as usual, if you read, please review. I like people's thoughts.


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